North Korea Punishes Mourners Who Did a Poor Job of Faking Grief for Dead Leader

Painted on Tears Won't Work

When Kim Jung Mentally Ill croaked a few weeks back, mourners lined a major thoroughfare in North Korea to witness Dear Leader's funeral procession.  The mourners wailed, bawled and screeched, flailing their arms and moonwalking to showcase their deep grief for Kim Jung Mentally Ill.  Okay, I was just kidding about the moonwalking; the rest is true though.

Many pundits, including me, noted the dry eyes of the mourners.  In spite of their wild paroxysms of alleged grief, there were no tears.  Now those insincere mourners may be in trouble.  The North Korean government said it will arrest insincere mourners and send them to prison camps for at least six months.  Now you know why those mourners went to such lengths to display their non-existent grief for Dear (Worthless) Leader.  Some of them may be required to return their special Hollywood Oscars for bad acting.

ABC reports:

“authorities are handing down at least six months in a labor-training camp to anybody who didn’t participate in the organized gatherings during the mourning period, or who did participate but didn’t cry and didn’t seem genuine,” according to the Daily NK.

“The party conducted surveys to see who displayed the most grief, and made this an important criterion in assessing party members’ loyalty,” Yop wrote. “Patients who remained in hospitals and people who drank and made merry even after hearing news of their leader’s death were all singled out for punishment.”

 Note to North Koreans:  the next time a party official croaks, suppressing smiles and laughter is not enough.  You must shed tears -- not tears of laughter, mind you, as this will not work.  Painted tears, using body paints, will not work either.  Take a tip from Glenn Beck and rub Vicks Vaporub in your eyes before the cameras focus on you.  It will hurt a lot, but your eyes will stream tears, saving you from a labor camp.   As for the wailing, crying and flailing, it is advisable to practice in front of a full-length mirror in order to perfect your performance.

And whatever you do, do not drink champagne in public, throw confetti, moonwalk or sing "Happy Days Are Here Again."  The North Korean government considers these acts as evidence that your mourning is not sincere.