More Stogie Responses to Nigerian Scammers

My latest Nigerian Scam letter from mercebnzprom@dgoh.org.

My reply follows the letter.

Scammer:
Dear Esteemed Beneficiary,

This is to inform you that youhave been selected for a cash prize of £950,000.00 (Nine Hundred and Fifty Thousand Great British Pounds) in the Mercedes Benz Online Promo held this year in United Kingdom.

The selection process was carried out through random selection in our computerized email selection system (ess) from a database of over 250,000 email addresses drawn from all the continents of the world.Mercedes Benz Company Lottery is approved by the British Gaming Board and also licensed by the International Association of Gaming Regulators (IAGR). This promotion is the 3rd of its kind and we intend to sensitize the public.

Your winning details are:
Secret Pin Code: MBC/536/2012/005
Reference Number MBPC: 12052012/21.
Batch No: 2nd Category.
To begin the processing of your prize, you are to complete the claims form below:

Your Full Names:
Place of Birth: 

Present Country:
Age:
Sex:
Tel:

Please complete your claims form and submit to us immediately, for immediate processing of your winning funds.

Accept my hearty congratulations once again!

With Best Regards
Mr. Jerry Smith
Promotional Manager

****
Stogie Response:

Dear Jerry Smith,

Congratulations!  You have won the Stogie Chomper annual award for most transparent and obvious scam letter!  Please fill in the details to collect your reward, which is five years in U.S. prison for fraud:

Real Name, not the phony one you sent: ___________________________

Address:   _____________________________________

Phone number:____________________________________

Desired color for prison jump suit:  (1) orange   (2) blue    (3) black and white striped

Handcuff size:  ___________________

Are you allergic to anal lube?  Yes     No     Not Sure

Snappy Comebacks to Nigerian Scammers

A few days ago I received this email from a Nigerian scammer:

I need to hear from you in respect to my proposal.Kindly reply to my email below
EMAIL ; wguiya@yahoo.com.cn  Regards,Guiya.

My reply:

Thank you for your proposal. However, we are not hiring Nigerian prostitutes at this time. Good luck with your Aids treatment.

This is kind of fun.  So much better than just deleting the spam.

Baiting the Email Scammers

If you publish your email online, you know that you will receive an endless stream of scam emails, attempting to get you to send money on one pretense or another.  There is the widow of a high general in some third-world backwater who needs to cash millions of dollars in bonds, but can't do it due to some weird domestic law, so she is seeking your help in cashing the bonds for her.  In exchange for your service, you will get 40% of the bonds, making you rich beyond your wildest dreams.

Of course, there are fees to pay to the Babaloozian bank where the bonds are stored, and you are given a bank wire address where you will send the money.  After that, unforeseen bugaboos arise, requiring more fees, taxes and imposts, all of which you are required to pay.  Of course, all your payments simply go into the scammers bank account, and you are a huge fool if you believed any of this nonsense in the first place.

I usually mark such emails as "spam" and send them on their way.  However, lately I became annoyed at receiving the latest gambit.  It consists of an email from some unknown person with the message, "Did you receive my last email?"

To this last one, I replied:  "Yes.  We have disposed of the bodies as you instructed."

This prompted a second email from the scammer.  It begins:

Dear Partner,
Thank you for your response and concern, like i said earlier, i am Mr William Leung Wing Cheung (Executive Director and Head of Personal Banking), before the U.S and Iraqi war our client Gen. Aadel Akgaal Bastaan who was with the Iraqi forces and also businessman made a numbered fixed deposit for 18 calendar months, with a value of Twenty Four million Five Hundred Thousand United State Dollars only in my branch.  Upon maturity several notice was sent to him, even during the war which began in 2005.

It continues on for another few paragraphs, describing my role in the scenario so that I can get a piece of the mythical moola described.  Rather than answer the email with specificity, I reply:

Please put 25 million U.S. dollars in a knapsack decorated with a picture of Spongebob Square pants and meet me at the intersection of Looneytunes Blvd and Caca Place. There we will exchange the knapsack for my grandmother's special recipe for tater tots. Although not required, a box of Cuban cigars, Churchill size, will seal the deal.

Since these scammer scum speak little English, they may or may not see that they are being baited.  We'll see if I receive a third email from this scum.