North Korea Punishes Mourners Who Did a Poor Job of Faking Grief for Dead Leader

Painted on Tears Won't Work

When Kim Jung Mentally Ill croaked a few weeks back, mourners lined a major thoroughfare in North Korea to witness Dear Leader's funeral procession.  The mourners wailed, bawled and screeched, flailing their arms and moonwalking to showcase their deep grief for Kim Jung Mentally Ill.  Okay, I was just kidding about the moonwalking; the rest is true though.

Many pundits, including me, noted the dry eyes of the mourners.  In spite of their wild paroxysms of alleged grief, there were no tears.  Now those insincere mourners may be in trouble.  The North Korean government said it will arrest insincere mourners and send them to prison camps for at least six months.  Now you know why those mourners went to such lengths to display their non-existent grief for Dear (Worthless) Leader.  Some of them may be required to return their special Hollywood Oscars for bad acting.

ABC reports:

“authorities are handing down at least six months in a labor-training camp to anybody who didn’t participate in the organized gatherings during the mourning period, or who did participate but didn’t cry and didn’t seem genuine,” according to the Daily NK.

“The party conducted surveys to see who displayed the most grief, and made this an important criterion in assessing party members’ loyalty,” Yop wrote. “Patients who remained in hospitals and people who drank and made merry even after hearing news of their leader’s death were all singled out for punishment.”

 Note to North Koreans:  the next time a party official croaks, suppressing smiles and laughter is not enough.  You must shed tears -- not tears of laughter, mind you, as this will not work.  Painted tears, using body paints, will not work either.  Take a tip from Glenn Beck and rub Vicks Vaporub in your eyes before the cameras focus on you.  It will hurt a lot, but your eyes will stream tears, saving you from a labor camp.   As for the wailing, crying and flailing, it is advisable to practice in front of a full-length mirror in order to perfect your performance.

And whatever you do, do not drink champagne in public, throw confetti, moonwalk or sing "Happy Days Are Here Again."  The North Korean government considers these acts as evidence that your mourning is not sincere.

Special Academy Award Issued to North Korean Mourners for Great Acting

"Oh Boo Hoo Hoo Hoo!"  How was that?

Maggie over at Maggie's Notebook noticed something that I also noticed:  the wailing, gesticulating mourners at Kim Jong Il's funeral were decidedly dry-eyed.  With all that moaning, bawling and crying, there were no tears. The mourners, knowing what was good for them, put on quite an act for Dear Leader's funeral.

Just Out of Camera Range

We suspect that Hollywood will issue a special Oscar for these amazing put-ons.  Acting!

Meanwhile, singing was heard throughout the land:  "The Witch is dead, the Witch is dead, the wicked Witch is dead!"  The Lollipop Guild is expected to make a public announcement shortly.

As Kim Jung Mentally Il Is Laid To Rest...the Haunting Sound of "Taps," Played on a Kazoo

Kim Jung Mentally Il has been laid to rest.  The North Koreans are so poor that Il's casket was wheeled to the cemetery on a used skateboard...propelled along by the deft footwork of the New Dear Leader, Kim Jung Ungh!.

People were pointing out that the hearst was a 1976 Lincoln Continental, but that's not true.  It was a blown up picture of a 1976 Lincoln Continental, taped on to the camera-view side of the skateboard.  The photo was ordered from Office Max and flown in by carrier pigeon, which was promptly shot down by anti-aircraft fire and eaten.

However, it's true that North Korea has achieved much.  They have arrived at that position in the world so fervently hoped for by our own Dear Leader, Kim Jung Barack Obama.  No other country in the world feels inferior to North Korea, nor do they envy it's super-power status; and no one can claim that Evil Capitalists are exploiting the other 99% with products, services, technology, jobs or any kind of standard-of-living.  As for #OccupyNorthKorea, the people there who are living in tents, squalor, filth and poverty are called "the upper class."

Kim Jung Mentally Il's funeral was ended with the plaintive sound of taps.  Since the North Koreans can't afford a bugle, a lady with a kazoo was used instead.

Kim Jung Mentally Il's corpse was then taken to the processing plant where it was turned into Soylent Green.

Meanwhile, the North Korean military (which is everyone in the country, apparently) turned out to fake great expressions of grief, with loud wailing and bawling, but...no tears.  I wonder how many were secretly thinking:  Thank God the bastard's dead.

See for yourself: