Liberal actor, poseur and pariah Alec Baldwin was rushed to a New York hospital last night after faking an overdose of sleeping pills. Baldwin wanted to punish his 14 year old daughter after an argument, and threatened to take an overdose. He then faked being "unresponsive" after going to bed. Doctors were puzzled about this, since Baldwin always appears unresponsive to stimuli, especially logic and common sense.
Nevertheless, daughter Ireland feared an overdose and called 9/11. Baldwin was taken to the hospital, where he was found to be normal. Or at least as normal as a flaming jerk can be.
Rumors surrounding Baldwin's hospitalization was that a brain had finally been found for a transplant. This raised hopes that the liberal airhead actor was finally to have a functioning brain. At last, he would replace the helium in his cranium with actual gray matter. Bolts were to be embedded in his neck to activate the brain using electricity from a lightning strike.
However, the rumors proved untrue: Today, Alec Baldwin is still completely brainless. Hollywood moguls were relieved at the news and immediately extended his contract.
The Department of That Ship Has Already Sailed
9 minutes ago