Sunday, February 14, 2010

On Valentine Day: How to Pick a Card for the Wifey

If you are going to get along with women, it is important to realize that they are not like us men.  We men like Valentine Day cards with dogs and cats and grizzly guys drinking beer, watching football or going fishing.  If the card has a crude rhyme that is somewhat insulting and profane, we like that even more.  Har, har, har!  It's what testosterone does to a human critter.  We men like it.  It's who we are!

However, the above rule cannot be used when buying a Valentine Card for the wife.  Women, being delicate creatures, like things that are pink and heart-shaped, with flowers and bluebirds, poems and posies.   They like something called sentiment.  Yes, I know it seems somewhat unnatural, but there you are.  With that in mind, here are some tips on buying an acceptable Valentine Day card for the wifey.

First off, drive to a store like Target or Wal-Mart and look for a big section where they sell cards.  Find the one for Valentines Day and look under a category called "Wife."  Okay so far?

Now be careful here.  Find a big card, preferably a pink one, and open it slowly.  It will be filled with lurid, rhyming prose about how sweet and wonderful your wife is, how perfect, how the angels sing in chorus whenever she comes to the breakfast table in bathrobe, bunny slippers and hair curlers, and how you realize what an unworthy cur you really are and how you don't deserve her.  It will be sickeningly sweet.  If you read the whole thing you are liable to barf right there on the floor, so it is best to shop for your V-Day card on an empty stomach.

Actually, it isn't even necessary to read the card.  If you get the dry heaves within two seconds of opening it, it's a good card.  Buy it, sign it and present it to wifey on Valentines Day.  Okay, now proceed with caution:  you're not out of the woods yet.

Your wife will read it with tears in her eyes (it's a female thing, you wouldn't understand) and then will ask you a critical question:  "Did you mean what it says in the card?"  How you answer is very important.  Do NOT answer, "I dunno, what did it say?"  Women like another crazy thing called sincerity.  A wise man once observed that if you can fake that, you've got it made.  Other answers to avoid:
  • "Yeah, sure, what's for dinner?"  
  • "Beats the hell out of me."
  • "Whoops, I forgot to get it notarized."
  • "Shut up and bring me a beer."
Just answer like this:  "Yes, I know it's a little mushy, but you're my wife and I love you."

There, now that wasn't so hard, was it?  

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