The Worldwide Massive Conspiracy Unveiled!

The conspiracy theorists are swarming like bugs around the backyard porch light on a summer night. They are so close to the real TRUTH about everything, and everything has been a massive conspiracy. Behind the scenes, the evil United States Government is plotting and planning, manipulating world leaders and corporate executives, who prance and dance at the government's command, like spastic puppets on strings.

Let's review the massive conspiracies of recent years and the REAL TRUTH.

1. The assassination of President Kennedy. Ostensibly, the most powerful man in the world was gunned down by a social misfit loser named Lee Harvey Oswald. The truth is that Oswald was framed, set up as a patsy by a massive conspiracy involving the CIA, the FBI, the Dallas Police, the Military Industrial Complex, munitions manufacturers, the Skull and Bones Society, and the International Organization of Odd Fellows. Did I leave anyone out? Oh yeah, the Grassy Knoll. The Grassy Knoll is the code name for the top conspirator who oversaw the action on the ground, orchestrating the whole event like a symphony conductor on speed.

The reason that Kennedy was assassinated? He was for socialism, peace and civil rights. He wanted to end the War in Vietnam, thus cancelling billions in lucrative military contracts. Either that or he had been messing around with the wives of the 10,000 conspirators and was shot by a whole lot of jealous husbands.

2. The assassination of Robert Kennedy. See above.

3. The assassination of Martin Luther King. See above.

4. The moon landings. We are supposed to believe that the government spent millions sending guys in funny suits to the moon to gather rocks that look like quartz, when they could pick that stuff up at any rock shop. The TRUTH: the landings were faked in the Arizona desert where there is lots of sand. All of those Saguaro cactuses in the background were a dead giveaway, along with the Circle K minimarts and sunburned tourists. The REASON for the massive conspiracy: to embarrass the Russians and win billions of appropriations for space exploration that was actually diverted to the military-industrial complex to use in suppressing human rights in third world countries, polluting the environment, undermining social justice and giving the conspirators something to laugh about over brandy and cigars at their ultra-secret meetings in the Skull and Crossbones Society.

5. The death of Princess Diana. We are supposed to believe that a common car crash killed this popular and beautiful socialite. The TRUTH: the wrecked car was demolished in a government laboratory, flown to France and planted, along with dead bodies, in the underground roadway with several dozen CIA agents posing as papparazi. The REASON for this conspiracy is that Princess Diana was going to marry a Saudi Arabian and this would prove embarrassing to British upperclass snobs, as well as the fact that Diana was mounting a worldwide campaign against land mines, thus causing the military-industrial complex to lose important business needed to fund undermining efforts against third world countries, social justice and polluting the environment. Not to mention the clubbing of baby seals.

6. The 9/11 terrorist attack that destroyed the World Trade Center. Supposedly nineteen Muslims flew two commercial jets into the Twin Towers, one into the Pentagon, and another into a field in Pennsylvania. However, the movie films and photographs of the planes smashing into the towers were all faked with Photoshop. Hundreds of so-called witnesses were actually CIA agents who lied about seeing these things.

The TRUTH is that the Twin Towers were destroyed by controlled demolition from hundreds of planted charges that a large team of CIA engineers planted in the buildings over the weeks preceding the attacks. Posing as employees, the engineers smuggled in tons of explosives in their lunch pails and gave plausible explanations ("remodeling") for the destruction of walls throughout the buildings so the charges could be planted next to critical support beams.

Airplane parts and other debris were scattered about on the roofs of surrounding buildings to make it all look real. This was all done minutes before the controlled demolitions, without anyone noticing, which shows just how sneaky and talented these conspirators actually were. It was difficult getting all of those plane parts into the elevator.

Osama Bin Laden took the credit for the plot, but he is actually just another CIA agent and major stockholder in Big Oil and munitions industries. It is a well-known fact that Bin Laden is a Republican Jewish Rabbi and a member of the Skull and Crossbones society where he frequently meets, wearing a black suit and sunglasses, with Bush and Cheney over fine brandy and expensive cigars, their evil laughs echoing off the dark chamber walls like something out of a horror flick.

Either that or space aliens destroyed the Towers with laser beams from outer space because they were upset about Global Warming. Or both.

The REASON for the destruction of the towers was to give Bush and Cheney an excuse for making war on peaceful Muslims, gain funding from Congress for a war in Iraq where these two evil men could grab Iraqi oilfields and give lucrative contracts to Haliburton, in which they both own stock anonymously through proxies. Also, so they could get money to suppress the civil rights of al-Qaida terrorists, obstruct social justice and pollute the environment.

Now you know the truth. Thanks to the Truthers Movement who supplied the above explanations.