Bring on the National Political Conventions!

The Democratic National Convention to nominate the socialist candidate for president begins in a week. Their convention will take place in Denver, Colorado on August 25 - 28. The Republican National Convention follows a week later, taking place in Minneapolis-St. Paul, Minnesota, and will run from September 1 through September 4.

Both conventions will feature the Three H's: Hype, Hoopla and Hot Air. There will be lots of balloons, red, white and blue, lots of speakers and blah blah blah. At least, when all the confetti has been thrown and our tired ears finally given rest from glowing promises of peace and prosperity if you elect our candidate and the grim prognostications of doom and disaster if you elect theirs, we can finally get down to a real campaign.

Will the candidates resort to negative campaigning? God, I certainly hope so. A little mud wrestling might add some spice to this otherwise dull contest between Methusaleh on the one hand, and Baby-boy on the other. I'd like to know, for example, if McCain will actually fight for energy independence and self-sufficiency, which will be our greatest protection from getting sucked into foreign wars and funding fat Sultans in turbans with our billions in petro-dollars. Will he rid himself of the myth of man made global warming so it can happen? Will he continue to be "a maverick," which is code for "an idiot who can't make up his mind whether he's a liberal or a conservative?"

Four years ago, women at the Democrats' Convention wore t-shirts bragging "I Had an Abortion." Perhaps those women can up the ante this time and actually preserve their aborted fetuses, perhaps by a taxidermist, so they can fasten them to ribbons to wear around their necks like Olympic medals? When it's time for show-and-tell, why not show as well as tell? Let's go, Liberated Womyn, ABORTION PRIDE NOW!

Perhaps they can use the preserved fetuses like sock-puppets, making them talk in high voices, "Hello, I'm so glad my mommy aborted me! Now I won't be around to contribute to global warming and all the other issues that really matter! Vote for Obama if you agree!"

Perhaps the Dems can run ads of McCain in a Klan hood with a burning cross behind him. I can see the copy now: "McCain Thinks Obama is a [the N word]. Don't let this cracker burn his nasty crosses on the lawns of African-Americans NO MORE! Vote for Obama!"

McCain can retaliate by showing Obama taking flight like the Flying Nun as the wind catches those huge head-sails he calls ears. "Do we really want to elect a man who flies like a bird? It would be so embarrassing on windy days. Imagine Obama walking out on the tarmac to shake the hand of some world leader only to suddenly disappear in the sky. He would have to be tethered like a kite, thus adding to his image as 'a light-weight.' Keep things grounded, Vote for McCain!"

Well these suggestions might be a bit over the top, but we'll get there eventually. I mean, whoever thought that men would be marrying other men? What is shocking today is the standard tomorrow. Besides, don't you really find both candidates a bit BORING? Personally, I hope they liven things up by saying what they REALLY THINK of each other.

Yep, a good mud-wrestling match is what we need. One can only hope.