Appeasement Is the Path to Peace

Stogie here, child of the Sixties. Let me polish up my old peace symbol, slip into a tie-dye t shirt, and fire up the roach clip. Gather my children and I will divulge to you the secrets of Peace.

As we San Francisco Hippies figured out long ago, the way to peace is through weakness. If another country or culture wants to kill us, it's only because we offended them or because they find us threatening. To defuse their anger, let us apologize and accept guilt for every bad thing that has happened to anyone anywhere since the beginning of time. Just ask our leader Noam Chomsky. The death of the dinosaurs (early global warming), the Bubonic Plague (no free health clinics or medical marijuana); you name it, we did it. Or at least we would have done it had we the chance, as a matter of white skin privilige and cultural arrogance.

After we've apologized, we need to disband our military and renounce war as a matter of policy. In this way we will no longer be seen as threatening, e.g. by disarming, by refusing to go to war when the offended downtrodden destroy the Twin Towers or kidnap Israeli soldiers. Once they see we are very kind and forgiving and that we bear them no malice, they will become docile as lambs. We will then all gather at the crash pad where we will lounge on bean bags while passing around the water pipe and singing "Blowin' In the Wind."

Yes brothers and sisters, if we just got rid of our military there would be no more wars. It's perfectly logical. When did you ever see a war that didn't involve the military? Aha! I rest my case.

Following this scintillating logic, we could also eradicate crime by getting rid of the police force. Where there's crime there are police forces, so it is obvious that the former is a product of the latter. No more need to lock your doors at night! Who are burglars, but lonely people looking for acceptance? When they see locks on doors, they see it as a clear message: "You're not welcome. We don't like you." But when the doors are opened, they will be overcome by our love and trust, and so blinded by their tears of humility and gratitude that they will be unable to steal anything.

Rape can be stopped in its tracks once the rapists realize that women are defenseless, will not report them and will not resist. Beautiful women in bikinis can wander through Central Park in the middle of the night, perfectly safe. Once the thugs, punks and hoodlums realize that women mean them no harm, perfect peace will descend on the neighborhoods like a shower of pink lilac blossoms sprinkled by gossamer-winged, harp-playing cherubim singing in harmony like the chorus of an Italian opera. Trust me on this, dudes and dudettes, I saw it all in a vision the last time I dropped acid.

We can use these "peace principles" to stop the wars in Iraq, Afghanistan and South Lebanon. When the understandably offended destroy the Twin Towers, don't fight back. Refuse to be drawn into the "circle of violence." Remember, when we are attacked, it's all our fault. If Muslims had access to free medical care, free condoms, free housing, free incense, organically grown vegetables, macrobiotic bread and legalized hallocogenic drugs, there would be no need to attack us or Israel, as they would have everything anyone could ever need. Of course, we know that the greedy capitalists would never go for it, because they insist on getting paid for producing things. A few more rallies in San Francisco may be needed to convince them.

So in closing, brothers and sisters, I would say to Israel in this time of conflict, to lay down your arms, don't fight back when you are attacked, sing "Kumbaya" and smoke a joint. Remember, the only reason there is antisemitism is because there are Jews, and who are we to say that the Arabic solution is wrong? It is only our cultural arrogance that makes us think so.

Yes, Jews, light the pipe and inhale deeply. It won't help, the Muzzies will kill you anyway, but you will be so stoned you won't even mind. And what better cause is there to die for than World Peace?

Peace out, brothers and sisters!