You Too Can Be A Prophet of God

This letter to the editor of the Lansing (Michigan) State Journal was received this week from a Muslim. (Hat tip Little Green Footballs). This poor misguided Muslim is not properly following the example of the Prophet Muhammad. We'll explain in just a moment, but first let's read his letter.

Islam or death

I read Le Roy Barnett’s letter (“Muslims, speak up,” June 26) about Muslims’ opinion on Abdul Rahman’s conversion to Christianity.

Islam is not only a religion, it is a complete way of life. Islam guides Muslims from birth to grave. The Quran and prophet Muhammad’s words and practical application of Quran in life cannot be changed.

Islam is a guide for humanity, for all times, until the day of judgment. It is forbidden in Islam to convert to any other religion. The penalty is death. There is no disagreement about it.

Islam is being embraced by people of other faiths all the time. They should know they can embrace Islam, but cannot get out. This rule is not made by Muslims; it is the supreme law of God.

Please do not ask us Muslims to pick some rules and disregard other rules. Muslims are supposed to embrace Islam in its totality.

Nazra Quraishi
East Lansing

Stogie Puts It All In Perspective - How To Start Your Own Religion

Listen, Nazra: You're right. We non-Muslim's shouldn't ask you Muslims to pick some Islamic rules and disregard others. You should disregard them all. Glad we got that little misunderstanding cleared up.

Really, Nazra you can disregard them all because Islam is NOT the "supreme law of God." Islam is a false religion created by a false prophet, Muhammad, an illiterate bedouin in the 7th Century. The False Prophet created a false God, "Allah," who was nothing more than a puppet of Muhammad. Allah did not speak through Muhammad; it was Muhammad who spoke through Allah. "Allah" conveniently approved every perversion, every tyranny, ever crime against humanity that Muhammad was capable of committing. Muhammad could murder, rob, rape, kidnap and torture to his heart's content, all because "God," in the form of the fake Allah, said he could. As the Church Lady used to say, "How conveeenient!"

Nazra, the upshot of all of this is that you not only can change your religion, YOU CAN EVEN INVENT YOUR OWN! In this way you can truly emulate the example of the Prophet Muhammad! You too can scam the foolish and credulous!

Let me give you an example or two.

Ted Bundy, the mass murderer who was electrocuted in Florida a decade ago, should have borrowed Muhamad's scam and claimed to be a "prophet of God." The Prophet Bundy was allowed, no commanded, to sacrifice the lives of young women to this God. Those law enforcement officials who wanted to put Bundy to death could be accused of "blasphemy" or "warring against God."

Bundy could have claimed he was visited by the archangel Clarence, who informed him he was the chosen messenger of the great God Felonious. Muhammad may have been the "seal of the prophets," but Bundy was the "whale of the prophets." His holy book was the Bovine Excrement, which oddly enough, is another word for Qur'an.

Of course, Bundy was a lesser prophet to Muhammad. Bundy only raped around 100 women whom he then murdered; Muhammad raped at least that many but murdered hundreds (if not thousands) of men, and then sold their wives and children into slavery. Bundy was a piker compared to Muhammad. But you have to start somewhere.

We can all create our own gods and be prophets thereof! We can all legitimize our favorite vices by writing our own holy book and by revealing that our God commands us to do these things! Muhammad would approve, as there is no greater flattery than imitation.

Like to gorge yourself on chocolate? Follow the great god Chockahooey, who reveals in the Holy Book Chompaswallow to eat all the chocolate in sight! Dieticians and diet doctors are Infidels who are warring against God!

Like to smoke smelly cigars in elevators and cocktail parties? Follow my personal god, the great and holy Burning-Ash, who reveals in the holy book Blowin'Smoke (oddly enough, another literal translation of the word "Qur'an") that I, his prophet, am commanded to enter cigar stores and help myself to the stock whenever the spirit moves me, burn holes in things and stink like a dead man. Infidels are clean-air freaks who would restrict my religious activities. Hmm, my own wife may be an infidel. I'll have to look into that.

Are you a worthless drunk? No more! Now you are the Prophet of the Great God Hiccup, who commands you to consume adult beverages until you puke. It's all written down in the Holy Book Burpalot. AA meetings are gatherings of infidels who are accursed by Hiccup who will condemn them to the Lake of Fire where they may only quench their thirst with Near Beer.
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Muslims do have a choice in their religion! They can emulate the Prophet Muhammad by starting their own religion that makes their personal vices holy writ and proclaims all who disagree to be infidels. Whenever anyone complains about your vices, simply reply with an appropriate sober expression: "It is the Supreme Law of God." Now shut up and pass me an ashtray.