Chicken Little School Says Humans Destroying the Universe

A couple of American scientists have suggested that humans are "shortening the life of the universe." Apparently the Quantum theory holds that we can change things simply by looking at them. So when astronomers get out their telescopes and look at, say, the rings around Saturn, then they are somehow screwing up the Big Bang of the Universe. Or something like that.

Here's what they claim:

....quantum theory says that whenever we observe or measure
something, we could stop it decaying due what is what is called the "quantum
Zeno effect," which suggests that if an "observer" makes repeated, quick
observations of a microscopic object undergoing change, the object can stop
changing - just as a watched kettle never boils.

Gee, now all I have to do is look in the mirror several times a day and I can stop aging! Whoopee! I can live forever! Ain't science wonderful?

Well I have some scientific theories of my own. The moon, being made of green cheese, goes nicely with green Ritz crackers and a little white wine. And just as a watched kettle never boils, a boil never watches a kettle. This is the Stogie Quantum Theory of Boiling Kettles. I need a few billion more bucks in government grants so I can study this further, preferably smoking a Cohiba from a sidewalk cafe somewhere in the Left Bank.

Ah, Scientists! What a bunch of fucking morons.