Osama Bin Laden Claims Alcoholism, Checks Into Rehab

Former Congressman Mark Foley has checked into an Alcohol Rehab Center as an excuse for being a pedophile pervert. Well that explains his behavior, let's all forgive him. He was, after all, "abused as a child." When they catch Osama Bin Laden, no doubt he will claim he "was attacked by commercial jet liners as a child." He will then become Foley's room mate at the Ima Drunk Rehab Center. Foley will ask Osama if he wants "head" and Osama will say "Okay, sure" and yank out his scimitar. If Foley survives the experience he will graduate from rehab claiming he is going to "turn over a new page." Only this time he won't use instant messaging to make the date.

Of course, there is an important election in five weeks so it's important to note that Foley is a Republican. No doubt Karl Rove and Don Rumsfeld were furnishing Foley with phone numbers of boy pages and trying to hush it up. It must be Republicanism that drives men to become alcoholic perverts. We can solve the problem by all voting for Democrats. Barney Frank (his last name connotes his favorite food and body part) would agree. At least Barney's male prostitute roommate was of legal age. No wonder they named a purple dinosaur after Barney. It's all starting to make sense, especially the dinosaur's color. Finally, a conspiracy theory I can believe in!

I saw a picture of House Speaker Dennis Hastert on MSN.Com today (no media bias there) looking like he was suffering from extreme constipation. The picture was right in the middle of an article calling for Don Rumsfeld's resignation, below an ad for that new book by Bob Woodward, "State of Denial" (which explains why Islamic terrorists are a figment of Bush's imagination) and another article below it saying the Republican surge in the polls is starting to stall. The title of the story about the Republican Speaker was "Hastert Denies Complicity in Pedophile Perversion Romp and Refuses to Say Whether or Not He Has Stopped Beating His Wife." Well I'm repeating this from memory, but it was something real objective like that.

Yes, it's another fun day in the Beltway. I need a drink. But not too strong mind you, I don't want to be checked into rehab. Never know who you will get as a room mate.